February 15, 2014

Post #54

This might be too much information for some of you.  There's my disclaimer. :)

Clayton and I have been married for almost four years now.  After about two months, I wanted a baby.  I asked over and over again, almost begging for one.  In the early stages, it was honestly premature.  I just wanted to be able to snuggle a cute baby, dress a cute baby, and plan for a cute baby.

Looking back, I can see that we weren't ready for a baby.  If we had gotten pregnant, we would have been fine.  Heavenly Father has a way of teaching us what we need to learn.  But I know it would have been at the expense of some other things we've learned.

In February, I stopped ovulating, and I felt a little like it was a slap in the face.  I had wanted a baby for so long and once Clayton was finally coming around to it, I lost my period? Seriously?

I remember talking to my sister-in-law Heather, and saying something like, "Well, we were supposed to start trying in July or August, so if I'm still not ovulating at that point, then maybe I will start to be more sad and worried."

July and August came and went.  I spent a lot of time on the phone with my nurses, but I wasn't really upset or worried.

Then, my coworker started trying to get pregnant.  She told the rest of our team that she was worried that if she got pregnant and I didn't, it would hurt my feelings.  I told her, honestly, that I wouldn't be hurt.  There was so much uncertainty about our future that I was okay with not having a baby in tow.  She got pregnant.

My periods came back, but my ovulation was still super messed up.

My parents showed a lot of concern.  I appreciated it.  I was happy to know that what mattered to me, and worried me, mattered to them and worried them, too.  But, I expressed similar feelings to them: I was okay with it. For now.

I don't know if it is the handful of women at work who are starting to show.  It might be all of our married friends who are either pregnant with their first child or pregnant with their second child or already have two children (who all got married at the same time we did).  It might be fact that it has been a year now since I lost my period, or the fact that less of my life is up in the air.

I don't know what it is, but it does hurt now.

I know Heavenly Father wants me to be a mother.  I know he will bless me to be a mother when the time is right.  I have faith that my trials are meaningful, and that I will learn something from them.  I will be more compassionate, more service minded, more appreciative, more something because of them.  And I am okay with this, but it does hurt now.


  1. I'm so glad you posted Em! I usually get an alert when you've posted. I sure hope you don't get rid of the blog- I think light and liveliness seems like a great platform for a journal of sorts- living a meaningful, lighthearted life even when there are such real stresses weighing you down.

    1. I really enjoy writing my posts, so I think I'll continue.

  2. Em if you don't have any plans tonight you should come and hang out with me!! Ryan's gone- we could watch a chick movie? Clayton too if he wants! I don't have your number, I keep texting your old number.


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